Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
