I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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