Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
