We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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