he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
