I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize