you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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