first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
