i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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