It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
