so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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