So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
