good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
3pm strippers are depressing
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize