This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
