i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
