i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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