Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
