he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
