so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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