Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize