I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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