when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
