God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
