dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
