a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
