Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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