ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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