I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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