I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
