Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
