3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
