My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
