Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
