she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm too high and old for this...
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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