Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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