i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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