On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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