Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
pray to the hookup gods
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
