I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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