I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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