Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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