Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
