I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
