We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am mentally ready for anal.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
