Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
