Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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