I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
