After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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