shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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