I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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