i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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