Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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