I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
