Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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