I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
